


Pygmalion and Galatea

by RedNightDeer



Series: TimKon week 2019 [4]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mythology, Crack, Don't copy to another site, Inspired by Pygmalion and Galatea (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), M/M, Mythology - Freeform, Mythology References, No Beta, We Die Like Men, i swear i wasn't smoking, this is full crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 10:36:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20095894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedNightDeer/pseuds/RedNightDeer
Summary: Konus Elios is a famous greek sculptor who fells in love with his own masterpiece.Or the story of the first sex doll in all histories ever.





	Pygmalion and Galatea

**Author's Note:**

> So I had writing/art block and wasn't able to produce a single good thing. So I decided to do this crack fic to cheer myself up a little bit. I hope it would cheer you up as weel!

Okay so I think I have a problem. You know, that big one problem shit. So yeah I’m Konus and I’m a sculptor. Like my sculptures are so beautiful you eyes burn. Ain’t kidding. They burn. Like the one dude or fish in Sponge Bobby where they see Poseidon’s bald head. Or was his name Triton? Don’t care cause ya know it’s not important. You just need to know if you look at my sculptures, your eyes will burn. Cool right? Well obviously mines don’t burn but right now there is this dude on the floor with his hands on his eyes and screaming like he’s born again. I mean yeah, I got it, my sculptures are the beautifulest. So right now he’s cursing. And I just saw that maybe actually he got his eyes burned because of the spicy red sauce of my kebab. Well even my kebab is the beautifulest. You eyes burn when they see my kebab. Don’t ask me how me, Konus Elios, a sculptor in Ancient Greece know about Sponge Bobby and kebabs. I just know. SHHhhhhhh.  
So this dude’s on the floor, writhing, as he’s break dancing. And ya know, I think he needs help. But he shouldn’t have cursed, cause I don’t like curses. So yeah, die bitch. On my atelier’s floor, burning because of my sculptures’ beauty. Or maybe my kebab’s one. Don’t care cause everything I do is beautiful. I’m beautiful too. Like, pal I’ve got a six pax, like a choco tablet ya wanna like em until your tongue doesn’t exist anymore. And that perfect tan skin so yeah, I’m beautiful.  
So as I said that dude’s one the floor. And now I think some help is coming for him. At least I hope cause yeah, if another customer comes, I don’t want them to see a man breakdancing on my floor while they’re screaming ‘MY EYES MY EYES’ cause then the new customer’s gonna understand his eyes are gonna burn too. IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF THEY COME SO CLOSE TO MY HOT SPICY RED KEBAB SAUCE GODS DAMMIT. Oh yeah while I’m talking about Gods, I did something. So hear me: last week, I was thinking about how alone I was. Like it’s just me and my right hand and look, I ain’t complaining. My right hand is beautiful. So beautiful you wanna lick my fingers but you know, I won’t say nah to a real partner. A partner on whom I could use my right hand on too. Cause rn my right hand buddy wants someone else too in our relationship. Like, me, my hand and someone else. A good threesome. So yeah, I was thinking about a partner for me and my hand and then I was like ‘but Konus, there is no one beautiful enough for you. You’re too gods damn beautiful. Level beauty, no one can reach even you’re ankle. So I was like ‘hmmmm you right buddy’ to myself in front of the mirror and then I kissed myself. Cause yeah, my skin taste like, sunkissed vanilla ice cream. You don’t know how sunkissed vanilla ice cream taste? Peasant.  
So right, I knew I couldn’t find myself a partner as beautiful as me for me and my hand. So I just had an idea at that moment: why not making my own partner? So hear me honey, this story right now that I’m gonna tell you, that’s how the first sex doll was ever made. Yeah, right. You surely asking yourself how me, Konus Elios, the best sculptor of Ancient Greece and surely of the entire world -Sssshhhhhh no you can not doubt what I’m telling you- and the dude who knows about Sponge Bobby and breakdancing and kebabs and sex dolls, made the first one of the entire fucking history of the universe. Cause yeah, other alien species aren't intelligent enough to create a sex doll. Maybe they didn’t need one in the first place. But anyway. That’s not our story. We don’t care about other aliens sex needs. We’re talking about mine here. So yeah. Like I said, my right hand wanted a third person in our relationship, not that I wasn’t enough for him, you know. It just wanted to spice things up a little bit. Like the eyes of this dude on my floor, still breakdancing. Dude really, you need to get up and go. You can’t just keep trashing out on my floor. DUDE THOSE CARPETS ARE FROM PERSIA THEY COST MORE THAN IF I WHORED YOU TEN YEARS. You wouldn’t even be a good bitch. You too ugly. And your eyes ugly too.  
Anyway! So right, my right hand wanted a third person yada yada yada and! Like I couldn’t find a beautifuler person than me, I decided to create that person. Or in other words, I created my own sex doll. So your telling me ‘ok but Konus Elios, and then?’ And I’m gonna explain everything. Just listen.  
So right, I took my utensils and a big block of good quality™ marble brought from Egypt via the Nil and sculpted. And you know what? I sculpted a sex doll so beautiful, so beautiful, your eyes would burn like the ones of this dude on my Persian carpets. So my hand was really happy cause we finally had a third person in our relationship who was as beautiful as us. But things then got a little bit south. Cause me or my right hand, I don’t know which one of us exactly, fell in love with the sex doll. Like really. We loved him and right now, I think me and my right hand, we fell in love at the same time with the sex doll. But you know, it hurt. Because he was only a sex doll. He was a sculpture. We loved him. He couldn’t sense our love because he wasn’t… he wasn’t alive. And this made us so so so sad. My heart started to hurt and since me and my right hand we share the same heart, well my right hand’s heart hurt too. But it was so painful! As painful as this dude’s burning eyes. And by the way, sorry dude but you really need to gather your shit together. You can’t just keep whining on my Persian carpets. At this point I’m gonna ask someone to come and fetch him.  
Anyway! As I said, I was in a big pain. Really big. Bigger than my dick. Speaking of dick, I have a friend named Biggus Dickus. So I told this friend about my problem and he told me to go and pray to the Gods. So at first I was like ‘reallyyyyy?’ cause you know, if I ask the Gods for something, they’re gonna see my beautifulness and be jealous and try to kill me. Those damn bitches can be jealous of a rock I swear. So I didn’t go praying like Biggus Dickus recommended me but the ache in my heart got worse. It hurt it hurt so much that fights started to happen in our couple. My right hand wanted the sex doll to be alive and I wanted it too but what could I have done? I didn’t want to die because of the wrath of one of those incestious bastards up there. But things really went south, like Antarctica south. Don’t ask me how I know about Antarctica. So I just gathered my balls together, squeeze my buttcheecks, contract my abs and pecs and went to that old hag’s temple: Aphrodite. There I prayed to her. I wanted her to give life to my sex doll cause, well, I wanted it. And my right hand wanted it too of course. So then I went back home, thinking about my misery. When I came home, there was this one person in my living room. And of course I went straight to fight him cause who dares to enter my house like this?? Who the fuck do you think you are? Arsen Lupin? So when I took him by his arm and turned him around, well I was shocked. And my eyes burned. Metaphorically. Not like this dude’s on my Persian carpets. Good Lords someone really needs to help this man. Dammit dude let me eat my kebab and tell my story in peace!  
So like I was saying, my eyes burned. Cause in front of me, was standing sex doll. Living. Alive. With flesh and blood. Aphrodite, that old hag, exauced my wish. And he was smiling so beautifully, merely as beautiful as me! So you know, I said ‘hi’ cause that’s what you do when you’re educated, and then I told him my name. He said his name was ‘Timos’ and you know what, it made me think of Timber from Ke$ha I don’t know why. But it was nice. Then I took him to our bedroom cause you know, that’s what you do when your sex doll come to live like Pinocchio. That old hag is really the Fairy with Turquoise Hair huh?  
And Gods dammit, someone take that man off of my Persian carpets!!!


End file.
